Things To Think About

Does anybody ever vanish without a trace?

Do one legged ducks swim in circles?

How come you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill herself, is it considered a hostage situation?

If the ..2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still ..2?

Isn't it a little scary that a doctor's work is called "practice"?

What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?

The End Of The World As We Know It

A flash animation that depicts how the the world is going to end. I did not make this file :)

View it here http://www.endofworld.net/

Personal Rant #1

Ok, this is not an email. This is a personal rant.

I am sick; I've got a cold and I can't breathe. Since I can't breathe I cant sleep. It's a dirty game, but whatever.

Well, I'm slowly getting better, no thanks to eckerds. Stupid eckerds made me sign some stupid book before she'd sell me freakin advil cold and sinus!

Ok, a better explanation: the tylenol cold/allergy stuff that I always get & that I really wanted to get is no longer on the aisle, you have to wait through a 30 person line in the pharmacy. So I decided to get something that WAS on the aisle that looked just as good.

I waited in the other huge line, not at the pharmacy, at the front register, and I was still forced to sign this little book. It wanted my name, address, phone number and the number of milligrams of something in the medicine I was buying. Then there was a checkbox that was basically swearing I wasn't going to try to (I don't even know how someone could!!)
dis-assemble the pills and make god-knows-what-drug out of it.

Of course, none of this was explained to me by the very helpful cashier girl. So I asked her "what am I signing?" she turned and finally found anote book and read me some canned statement about how it contained "insert-latinish-medicine-word-here" and some folks abuse it.

I turned to the folks in line behind me who were getting irritated because my purchase took so long and was like "I'm sick, I have no idea why I have to sign this book. I just want some freakin cold medicine"

did you ever watch seinfeld? I felt like jerry that time at the airport when the metal detector kept going off for him and he turned as was like "people, I implore you".

do they do that crazy mess other states I have never seen it anywhere in Georgia until yesterday.

but, ok, the picture here is of the medicine I bought. It's really good! It cleared my nose up in about 2 days. I highly recommend it :)

A Letter To The IRS

Dear Internal Revenue Service:

Enclosed you will find my 2005 tax return, showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes. Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper, dated 12 November, wherein you will see the Pentagon [Department of Defense] is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet seat.

I am enclosing four [4] toilet seats [valued @ $2,400.00] and six [6] hammers [valued @ $1,029.00], which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00.

Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund", as noted on my return.

You can do this inexpensively by sending them one [1] 1.5" Phillips Head screw [see afore mentioned article from USA Today newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head screws]. One screw is enclosed for your convenience.

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Most sincerely,
A Satisfied Taxpayer

A Lesson Learned

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me.

It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less.

One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "we are very happy that you have passed our little test - we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car........

Nursery Rhymes For Big Kids

Some nursery rhymes "for big kids" a friend forwarded to me.

THE EMAIL IS AS FOLLOWS - UNEDITED

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.


MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.

JACK AND JILL
Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill
forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie man, "What have you got there?"
Said the Pie man unto Simon, "Pies, you dumb ..$%!"

HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses, And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs, For breakfast again.

HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE
the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.

Not All Heros Are People

(a note from just a girl) Upon further investigation, it's really horrible that things like this get passed around and all the story boils down to be is only an urban legend. See the proof here

THE EMAIL IS AS FOLLOWS - UNEDITED

Mes Crane worked on the 101st floor of Tower 1 of the World Trade Center . He is blind so he has a golden retriever named Daisy. After the plane hit 20 stories below, James knew that he was doomed, so he let Daisy go, out of an act of love. She darted away into the darkened hallway. Choking on the fumes of the jet fuel and the smoke James was just waiting to die. About 30 minutes later, Daisy comes back along with James' boss, who Daisy just happened to pick up on floor 112.

On her first run of the building, she leads James, James' boss, and about 300 more people out of the doomed building. But she wasn't through yet, she knew there were others who were trapped. So, highly against James' wishes she ran back in the building.

On her second run, she saved 392 lives. Again she went back in. During this run, the building collapses. James hears about this and falls on his knees into tears. Against all known odds, Daisy makes it out alive, but this time she is carried by a firefighter. "She led us right to the people, before she got injured" the fireman explained.

Her final run saved another 273 lives. She suffered acute smoke inhalation, severe burns on all four paws, and a broken leg, but she saved 967 lives. The next week, Mayor Guilaini rewards Daisy with the Canine medal of Honor of New York . Daisy is the first civilian Canine to win such an honor.