LIZARD BIRTHING

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gonethrough the pet syndrome including toilet flushburials for dead goldfish, the story below will haveyou laughing out LOUD!
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up totell me there was "something wrong" with one of thetwo lizards he holds prisoner in his room. He's just lying there looking sick," he told me."I'm serious dad, can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face andfollowed him into his bedroom. One of the littlelizards was indeed lying on his back, lookingstressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called,"come look at the lizard!"

"Oh, my gosh!" my wife diagnosed after a minute,She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bertand Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn'twant them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign intheir cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" Ireminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice,while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys,you know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm,you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to seewhat was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make thebest of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,I announced."We're about to witness the miracle of birth.""Oh, gross!" they shrieked. "Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going todo with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" mywife wanted to know. (I really do think she wasbeing snotty here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling,what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly,vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," Inoted. "Its breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbedthe foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentletug. It disappeared. I tried several more times withthe same results.

"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted toknow. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma."(You see a pattern here with the females in myhouse?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. Wedrove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother notedto him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. Imean what she does to me is one thing, but this boyis of her womb, for God's sake.)
The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room andpeered at the little animal through a magnifyingglass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggestedscientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs.Cameron, may I speak to you privately for amoment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard isnot in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going tohappen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a youngmale. And occasionally, as they come into maturity,like most male species, they um.... um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back."He blushed, glancing at my wife.

"Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just... just... excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that weunderstood.

More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started togiggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but notbelieving that the woman I married would commit theupcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just... that... I'mpicturing you pulling on its... its... teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet andhurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back intothe car. He was glad everything was going to beokay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you'vedone, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea,"

Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Lizards - $140...
Cage - $50...
Trip to the Vet - $30...
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie..... Priceless

Moral of the story - finish biology class - lizards lay eggs!

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ok. my first thought as i opened this email was that lizards dont have live births, they lay eggs....but it was super funny! & I didn't want to ruin it, so I put this comment last :)