Redneck Map of the United States of America

How many dogs (or cats) does it take to change a light bulb?

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

4. Rottweiler: Make me.

5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation

8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!

10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

11. Chihuahua : Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or 'We don't need no stinking light bulb.'

12. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

13. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

14. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?
Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is:

'How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?'

ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF!

Baby Daddy? Very cute

A guy goes into the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. He is rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, "do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you are the father of one of my kids".

Now his mind travels back to the only time he was unfaithful to his wife and says, "are you the stripper from the bachelor party I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"

She looks into his eyes and very calmly says, "no, I am your son's teacher".

A JellyFish Kind Of Day

Are YOU having a "jellyfish" kind of day?
If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma! This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad day at work ... Think of this guy, Rob a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on Offshore drilling rigs.
Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was Sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.
Hi, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make yourealize it's not so bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suitto the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.
This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.
Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt ... I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact thathe, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically!!!!
Needless to say I aborted the dive.
I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.
As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work...think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.
Now repeat THIS to yourself, "I LOVE my job, I LOVE my job, I LOVE my job."
Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, "Is this a jellyfish bad day?"

TOP 8 MORONS OF 2007

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland , CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up.'

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka , Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot', the man shouted, 'that's not what I said!'.

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??? A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart'. 'Is this her first child?' the doctor asked. 'No!' the man shouted, 'This is her husband!'

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto , CA , Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

Caution. They Walk Among Us

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too untrusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole it.
Caution. They Walk Among Us
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While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."
They Walk Among Us!
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I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open.I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific" . . .
They Walk Among Us!
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My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving". .
They Walk Among Us!
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My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk...
They Walk Among Us!
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My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount....
They Walk Among Us!
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I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...
They Walk Among Us!
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I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"...
They Walk Among Us!
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While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.

Cowgirl Drinking

A cowgirl, who moved to Texas from Arkansas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left our home in Arkansas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but want to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains, "It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my sisters though."

Is A Computer Masculine or Feminine?

A French teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. 'House', for instance, is feminine; 'Pencil', however, is masculine.

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female,and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer should be a masculine or feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.


The men's group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender (la computer), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic

2. The language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

No chuckling guys ... this gets better!!!

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine (le computer), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time THEY are the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

..........The women won

LIZARD BIRTHING

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gonethrough the pet syndrome including toilet flushburials for dead goldfish, the story below will haveyou laughing out LOUD!
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up totell me there was "something wrong" with one of thetwo lizards he holds prisoner in his room. He's just lying there looking sick," he told me."I'm serious dad, can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face andfollowed him into his bedroom. One of the littlelizards was indeed lying on his back, lookingstressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called,"come look at the lizard!"

"Oh, my gosh!" my wife diagnosed after a minute,She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bertand Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn'twant them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign intheir cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" Ireminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice,while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys,you know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm,you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to seewhat was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make thebest of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,I announced."We're about to witness the miracle of birth.""Oh, gross!" they shrieked. "Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going todo with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" mywife wanted to know. (I really do think she wasbeing snotty here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling,what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly,vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," Inoted. "Its breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbedthe foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentletug. It disappeared. I tried several more times withthe same results.

"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted toknow. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma."(You see a pattern here with the females in myhouse?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. Wedrove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother notedto him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. Imean what she does to me is one thing, but this boyis of her womb, for God's sake.)
The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room andpeered at the little animal through a magnifyingglass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggestedscientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs.Cameron, may I speak to you privately for amoment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard isnot in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going tohappen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a youngmale. And occasionally, as they come into maturity,like most male species, they um.... um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back."He blushed, glancing at my wife.

"Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just... just... excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that weunderstood.

More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started togiggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but notbelieving that the woman I married would commit theupcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just... that... I'mpicturing you pulling on its... its... teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet andhurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back intothe car. He was glad everything was going to beokay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you'vedone, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea,"

Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Lizards - $140...
Cage - $50...
Trip to the Vet - $30...
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie..... Priceless

Moral of the story - finish biology class - lizards lay eggs!

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ok. my first thought as i opened this email was that lizards dont have live births, they lay eggs....but it was super funny! & I didn't want to ruin it, so I put this comment last :)

Impossible To Please

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left.

Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

The Devil Himself

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, the Devil himself appeared at the front of the congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man. Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

Horny Old Guy

There was this really old guy at an old-timer's dance, and the problem was that he hadn't had any sex for a long time. He'd been dancing with all the grandmas all night, but still hadn't scored.

Frustrated, he approached an old grandma and said, "I'm having no luck scoring a woman. How about coming back to my place for a roll in the hay? I'll give you 20 bucks!"She says, "I'm willing, let's go".

They get back to his place and after a bit of foreplay; they head for the bedroom. He loves the sex and can't get over how tight she is for such an old woman.

He thinks that she's got to be a virgin.After the wonderful performance, he rolls off of her and puffs, "Wow! Lady, if I had of known you were a virgin, I would have given you 50 bucks".

Surprised, she says, "If I had of known you were actually going to get a hard-on, I would have taken my pantyhose off!"